apa ya judulnya...??

kebiasaan jelek dari dulu..
suka bingung ngasih judul kalo bikin tulisan or posting.. hehe

tiba2 kepikiran, apa sih yg sebenernya ada di pikiran gw..??
gak jelas..
gw sih udah pernah mikir kalo gw gak mau memilih untuk jadi lesbian atopun hetero..
apa yg ada di hadapan gw, ya nikmatin aja..
tapi kok ya lama2 kepikiran lebih mending jadi lesbian untuk relationship..
walaupun cari pacar cewe lebih susah ketimbang cari pacar cowo..
*padahal buat gw, cari pacar cowo pun juga susah* nah lhooo..

tapi.....
ya liat nti aja..
skarang c gak bisa berharap terlalu banyak untuk punya pacar..
lah waktu gw skarang cuma habis buat kerja..
ada waktu senggang, dipake browsing n tidur..
gimana ada yg mau jadi pacar gw kalo kayak gini, ya gak??
hehe..

tapi next ke depannya, harapan gw, kalo dapet jodoh, cewe aja yah..
temen2, bosen ah kalo kalian yg hetero komen "masih aja lo kayak gitu, kirain udah insaf"
yeeeee emangnya gw judi n mabok, pake insaf??
kan gw pacaran ama cewenya bukan ama lo ato kluarga lo..
oke, suds, gak pake esmosi..

yah, moga2 suatu saat *n gak pake lama*, bisa nemu pendamping hidup yg cocok n saling nerima n itu adalah cewe..
amiiinnn.. :D

yang baru.. alhamdulillah..

mau cerita ahhh...
alhamdulillah nih, setelah akhirnya berhasil mengeluarkan diri dari masalah yg ku bikin sendiri... *halah*
jadinya bisa mikirin diri sendiri.. *lah dari dulu-dulu kemana ajee??*

ya jadi, udah dari kapan kan pengen banget tuh punya komputer sendiri..
terakhir punya komputer di rumah kan waktu masih ama bapaknya alex..
ntu juga punya dia, n gak mpe pasang internet..
paling cuma buat main game, nonton video n ndenger musik aja..

nah, di kerjaan sekarang kan tiap hari pake komputer..
udah gitu suka rebutan, coz komputer 1 yg suka butuh make ada 4 orang.. hehe
nah kalo udah gitu, kadang boss bilang supaya gw pake aja laptop boss yg lagi nganggur di mejanya.. *HP mini n Acer Aspire*
awal2nya sih make, tapi gak terlalu demen kalo gak terpaksa banget..
coz ribet.. mesti pindahin data dulu ke usb..
udah gitu paling males ama trackpad notebook n laptop..
*kagak sabaran, gak gemulai jari gw n ribet klo scroll up-down*
ada c mouse nya, tapi kadang lagi dipake boss..

lama2 jadi kepikiran pengen punya notebook sendiri..
biar bisa kerja mobile..
gak perlu rebutan n antri komputer..
kerjaan bisa dbawa pulang kalo belom selesai n ada deadline..

nah tapi sebagai manusia yg gaptek n takut ama barang mahal.. *takut gak bisa beli* hehe
binun nih nyari notebook murah yg lumayan bagus..
wuaaah, hampir tiap hari deh nanya ama om google saking ngebetnya..

kenapa pilih notebook, bukan laptop?
soale maunya yg kecil, 10 inch gitu..
biar gak terlalu ribet ditenteng2nya n gak terlalu berat juga..
*ngalamin kalo disuruh ngambil laptopnya boss yg 14 inch aja, udah berasa riweuh naik-turun tangganya*

akhirnya jatuh hati ama ASUS PC EEE 1025CE yg warna pink atau biru..
waktu itu ngebudgetin diri 2,5jutaan..
milih ASUS itu karena pengen warna pink yg murah.. :P
nah, pas hari H pergi mau beli, terjadi insiden.. *lebay*
pergi ama nyokap udah kesorean.. kata yg nganter, palingan juga udah pada tutup tokonya, apalagi hari itu hari minggu..
sedih bin kesel coz selain hari minggu kan gw kerja, istirahat juga cuma 1 jam, mana sempet jalan2 ke mall buat liat2 n beli nya??
karena hari itu sekalian nemenin mama belanja bulanan, mama iseng nanya ama orang supermarketnya "mbak, disini jual laptop gak?"
kata mbak nya "oh ada, bu. dari pintu masuk, lurus aja."
langsung deh nyokap smangat 45 nyamperin gw yg lagi ngambek n ngajak ke dalem supermarket lagi..

mulai ceria deh gw denger nyokap bilang ada yg jualan..
begitu nyampe tempatnya, gw liat2 notebook yg ada, ternyata ASUS yg gw pengen gak ada..
hiks, sedih lagi..
adanya ASUS eee yg 1025C warna pink..
dan gw gak suka, karena pink nya tuh muda banget..
udah gitu keyboardnya putih, jadi berkesan gampang kotor gituu..

liat2 sebelah2nya ada HP mini warna biru, ACER warna orange n beberapa yg udah gw lupa karena gak menarik minat gw..
gw bingung banget deh saat itu..
akhirnya pilihan gw antara 2..
ASUS eee PC 1025C yg pink muda itu atau sebelahnya, Lenovo IdeaPad S110 warna hitam..
banding punya banding, spec nya sama yg gw liat..
beda penampilan aja..
Lenovo nya hitam tapi bermotif gitu, jadi gak hitam polos licin..
gw liatin lagi ASUS pink nya, mikir bodi nya rada aneh bentuknya..
sebenere gak pengen hitam walopun itu warna favorite gw..
tapi daripada ACER yg orange, bentuknya juga gak gw suka..
ya sutralah, pilihanku jatuh pada Lenovo aja..

horeeee... akhirnya kesampean juga punya notebook..
makasih ya, ma..

n so far udah hampir 1 bulan gw pake Lenovo IdeaPad S110 Black ini, lancar2 aja..
fitur yg gw pake cuma buat ngetik *MS Office 2007*..
baca buku *Adobe Reader*..
browsing (googling, email, FBan) *pake Mozila firefox*

n karena gw gak betah pake touchpad, akhirnya gw pun beli mouse wireless Logitech yg berdesign Typograph seri M235..
lagi2 karena gaptek, jadi gw beli itu mouse cuma karena tampilannya yg stylish ada coraknya gitu.. hehe..

Spesifikasi Lenovo IdeaPad S110:
- Processor: Intel® Atom Processor N2800 (1.86GHz / 1066 MHz / 1MB)
- Display Size: 10.1 SD LED Glare
- Memory: 2GB DDR3
- HDD: 500GB
- Multimedia: Integrated, LAN, Lenovo b/g/n, No BT, 0.3MP Camera, Veriface (Face Recognition Technology), One Key Rescue System, QuickStart, Lenovo Energy Management, 2-in-1 card reader
- Operating System: DOS
- Battery: 6 cell
- Warranty: 1 Year Warranty Part & Labour

yah, untuk gw yg pemula, menurut gw cukup memuaskan..
OS nya Win 7, mbayar lagi c buat instal Os n aplikasi2 nya..
ah, daripada repot n gw butuh nya cepet, ya sudah bayar aja, yg penting beres n siap pakai..

nih tampilan mouse n notebook nya yg gw comot dari om google..

bebeh ato android..?

sebenernya entah kenapa dari dulu gak terlalu tertarik ama bebeh a.k.a BB..
menurut gw apanya yg penting selain bisa BBM-an, gaya n mahal..??? hehe..

pas kerja d club c rata2 pada pake bebeh..
sempet ngiler juga.. secara bagian housekeeping nya aja rata2 pake bebeh juga..
malu donk kalo gak ikutan, gitu pikir gw..
tapi alhamdulillah mpe skarang blom kesampean tuh beli bebeh..
*dananya gak ada* hehehe...

skarang kerja d resto, boss pada pake bebeh..
sbagian staff juga pake bebeh..
sempet ngiler lagiii pengen punya bebeh..
tapi dipikir2 lagi, kok ya menurut gw yg penting dr bebeh tuh cuma BBM-nya doank yah??

apalagi kalo sering liat yg pake bebeh suka lemot BBM nya, YM nya, email nya..
jadi gak terlalu bernafsu.. yg bikin ngiler cuma karna gaya aja..

apalagi sempet baca postingan dimana gituu *lupa*, dia kasih 6 alasan meninggalkan bebeh..
wuih... ya bener juga c.. smartphone lain banyak yg lebih murah n keren fiturnya, walo gak ada BBM-an nyah...
n lagi, males aja klo pke bebeh, mikir mau pke provider yg mana..
secara gitu kan, gsm mahal internetannya..
bebeh cdma pilihannya dikit, kurang menarik hati..
*kecuali yg tipe monza itu, tapi lagi2 mahaaal* :P

browsing punya browsing, jadi naksir ama android...
entah kenapa.. mungkin karena pertimbangan murah-mahal lagi x yaaa... hehe
padahal c sebenere gak ngerti2 banget manfaat n bedanya antara bebeh, android, iphone atau apalagi lah itu jenisnya..

cuman gara2 udah melototin iklan android smartfren yg murmer, jadi naksir.. hehe
secara, gw kan skarang browsing nya pake smartfren yg alhamdulillah lancaar jaya..
yah, liat aja ntar deh, apa jadi beli tuh andromax apa kagak..
coz mikir juga, nti bakal bolak-balik pindahin kartu smartfrennya dari modem ke android donk kalo mau internetan pake lenovo ku..

any advice...?? :)

gw sakit apaa???

gw gak ngerti sebenernya gw sakit apa..
udah 2x dalam bulan ini gw drop mpe gak masuk kerja..
awal gw cek ke dokter, tensi darah gw 80/50.. ups.. hehe..
perut gw kembung, badan sempet demam..

kedua kalinya gak berselang lama lah..
sejak drop pertama, gw jadi gak kuat incharge kasir..
berdiri kelamaan, kepala pusing, pandangan mulai remang2 n cuma bisa fokus ama CO n komputer yg gw liat, kaki dingin n kesemutan..
langsung gw duduk kalo udah gitu n gak pake sepatu hak lagii..

drop yang kedua kali, bangun tidur pagi2 kaki dingin kesemutan, kepala pusing keliyengan..
gak berani mandi apalagi berangkat kerja..
ngeri jatuh di jalan..
perut gw besar kayak orang hamil 3/4bulan, mual2, itu udah dari drop pertama..
ke dokter pas drop kedua, tensi gw 100/70..
perut kembung, bukan hamil, kata dokternya..
tapi sampe sekarang tuh obat dari dokter udah abis, emang udah gak mual2..
tapi ni perut nambah besar ajaaaa..
n masih suka pusing n kaki dingin kalo kelamaan berdiri..
tadi pagi, bangun tidur, kepala rasanya beraaaatttt banget kayak gak bisa di angkat..
badan juga lemesss banget..
tapi gw paksain bangun n beraktifitas walopun pelan2..
ya dikerjaan bisa lari2 n mondar-mandir karena gw terlalu excited ma kerjaan gw..
begitu di store, depan komputer, input2, berasa deh dropnya..

yg paling gw ngeri sih, liat perut gw..
nambah besar terus..
ngeri meledak ni perut..

mau periksa, tapi ke dokter apa? spesialis?
takut.. takut mahal, takut penyakitnya serius n mahal..
tapi kalo gak periksa, panik sendiri jadinya..
bingung..

nu experience

udah 3 hari sejak bos kasih mandat ke gw untuk megang purchasing..
karena purchasing nya lagi kena musibah n entah kapan dia masuk kerja lagi..
n biasa tiap hari gw yang terima laporan harian purchasing, makanya boss ngoper kerjaan itu ke gw, dengan anggapan boss bahwa gw udah ngerti ini itunya...

ternyata oh ternyataaaa, banyak yang gw gak ngerti n gak tau...
hiks... huaaaaa... stress gw..

mulai dari gw gak tau betul apa aja yang ada di gudang atas, dapur, chiller, freezer, gudang bawah...
banyaaaaaaaak jenis barangnya..
gw gak tau toko2 selain yg ada di list supplier..
gw gak tau apa aja yg biasa dibeli di supplier A atau supplier B, atau toko a atau toko b...

so, gw harus memulai dari bawah..
ya gak dari nol banget, karena gw udah tau basic nya..
gw punya list suppliers, gw punya bon2 pembelian sebelum2nya..
ya gw cuma mesti lebih kreatif n inisiatif aja untuk baca2 apa aja yg dia beli dari bon2 yg udah lewat..
nama2 n alamat tokonya..
rajin2 melototin rak2 di gudang, apa aja isinya..
ngeliatin isi chiller n freezer..
nanya ma orang kitchen, bar n housekeeping apa aja yg udah limit atau apa yg lagi mereka butuhin..

y positifnya, jadi nambah buat experience kerja gw...
negatifnya, kerjaan gw makin numpuk n tambah banyak yg keteteran karena gw masih adaptasi di purchasing, jadi gw meluangkan lebih banyak waktu ke purchasing dibanding kerjaan gw yg lain yg udah hampir deadline semuaaaa
hiks... i know i can... tapi pusiiiiing... hehe...

S.T.U.P.I.D...!!!!!!

gak habis pikir deh gw...
ama captain di tempat gw kerja..
seriously???? ada y orang sebego itu jadi captain...

okelah, kalo urusan product knowledge, gw kalah..
dia bisa jelasin apa itu patlican lambshank, iskender kebab, sebzeli musakka..
cara penyajian n terbuat dari apa aja, dia bisa jelasin..
gw paling tau nama aja, ingredients gak apal detail, kadang gak tau..

tapi please dehhh..
kirim email dia ga bisa, apalagi yg kudu pake attachment..
nyari file di komputer, dia gak bisa..
mungkin kalo disuruh bikin tabel di excel n word, dia juga gak bisa..

yang parah lagi, nyusun kalimat berbahasa indonesia aja dia ribet, apalagi bahasa inggris...
coz pernah dia ngejelasin sesuatu ke gw..
pokoknya ada trouble ma billing tamu..
trus udah panjang lebar dia jelasin ke gw, dengan gw bersusah payah memeras otak untuk ngerti maksud dia (n akhirnya gw ngerti stelah tanya ini itu sambil berusaha memperbaiki cara dia ngejelasin tu masalah)..
eh, dia nanya "aku bilang ke boss gimana y??"
gubraaaak...
gw bilang, ya jelasin aja bla bla bla bla.. eh, malah dia bingung sendiri..
grrrrrrrr...

yg bikin gw lebih kesel lagi, setiap laporan sales harian, kalo dia yg bikin, pasti lamaaaaaaaaaaaaa banget... bisa mpe 1 jam..
udah gitu salah pulaaaaaaa... OMG..
ujung2nya, gw, dia n sang menejer yg bertanggungjawab ma sales harian kena batunya diomelin ber3..
udah di cek boss, dijelasin salahnya, disuruh benerin, eh, masih salah juga donkkkkk...
huaaaaaaaaaaaa... 2 x benerin, masih salah jugaaaaa...
oke gw turun tangan.. kesel bin penasaran..
OMG, yang salah kagak diganti angkanya, ampe bego juga bakalan terus salah... swt..
so, tiap hari laporan mesti gw cek dulu, sebelum gw kasih ke boss...
nambah2in kerjaan kan sebenernyaaaa?????

skarang lagii...
bagian purchasing lagi kena musibah, belum bisa masuk kerja entah sampai kapan..
karena gw yg biasa terima laporan harian dari purchasing, otomatis boss nyuruh gw bantu jadi back up purchasing sementara sampai "sang purchasing asli"nya kembali..
n kerjaan gw sebagian kecil dialihkan ke sang captain..
kerjaan yang input data harian gitu..
masalahnya ya ntu, dia kagak bisa2 nyari tu file di komputer..
padahal udah gw jelasin sambil gw kasih unjuk.. "ni lo cari di my computer, drive D, di folder nama gw, di folder database, cari tuh tanggal paling baru. lo buka, lo input, trus jngan lupa di save.."
eh, udah berapa x aja gitu donk, dia bilang gini "kak, itu filenya begitu aku buka, kok ilang semua data yang aku input."
kaget tuh gw awalnya.. begitu gw cek, eh dia salah buka file..
file bulan mei yang dia buka.. darrrrrrr... mau ngamuk nggak sih rasanya...
n itu berulang2.. dia salah buka data yang lain lah.. padahal judulnya aja udah beda.. ya ampuuunnn... mati aja deh gw...
gimana kalo boss minta reportnya??? males deh mikirinnya...

seriously gw gak ngerti tu boss gw pada buta mata batinnya kali ya, bisa nge-keep tu orang, jadi captain segala...
udah gitu demennya nindas bawahan.. kalo salah, malah nyalahin orang mpe orang lain kliatan jelek banget di mata boss gw, padahal dia yg sebenernya salah..
tapi percuma, udah gw jelasin panjang lebar persoalannya, tetep aja boss gw masih nganggep si kambing hitam itu jelek, n si captain itu baik..
huft... speechless n malesss gw jadinya lama2 begini terus...
what should i do????
sang menejer juga kesel..
tapi kayaknya dia lebih sibuk mikir gimana supaya boss ngasih kepercayaan penuh ke menejer... halah, sami mawon...

Malam Takbiran 2012

hmmm...
malem takbiran ya skarang...
udah masuk tgl 19 agustus 2012 c... secara udah hampir jam 3 pagi..
brarti udah masuk hari Raya Idul Fitri pertama nih..

gw mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya Idul Fitri bagi yang merayakan..
mohon maaf lahir batin..
minal aidin wal faidzin..

so, tadi malem gw masih kerja..
apalagi tadi weekend, jadinya gw incharge kasir dinner..
ya kayak minggu-minggu ini..
kelamaan berdiri, mulai deh pandangan gw remang-remang n kaki dingin kesemutan..
kalo udah gitu, taro bangku di kasir n duduk deh..
begitu rame CO atau yg bayar, baru deh gw berdiri lagi.. :)

n tadi yg kayak udah niat banget..
pulang bawa setumpuk kerjaan..
skarang orang-orang di luar sana lagi pada takbiran n berkumpul ma keluarganya, gw disini, duduk manis dikamar gw, drumah kontrakan, alone..
ya udah, berkutat dengan kerjaan, game n blog aja deh..
gak lupa ditemenin secangkir kopi n rokok...

kedua ya?

cii...
how r u?
long time we didn't chat yah?

apa kamu udah gak terus terbaring atau justru harus pake kabel ini-itu, aq gak tau..

kangen kita bisa inbox-inbox an d FB n chat d YM..
kapan, cii?? bisa kayak gitu lagi??

btw, kamu bakal bisa balik indo lagi gak c?

it will be ur 2nd Lebaran there yah??
i just can pray that u'll be alright always..

Me Now...

i may not be a good people for others...
i'm not worth it for them.

Minggu yang Lemah

Weak Weeks..
haha.. funny title...

actually i just wanna say that i am sick twice in these 2 weeks.. :D

yup... n penyakitnya seperti biasa, berhubungan dengan lambung...
kata dokter yg terakhir gw periksa c, gw kena asam lambung...

ooohhhh...
knapa oh?? secara, dari gejala-gejalanya rada aneh..
sempet gw kira tekanan darah rendah...
coz gw pusing kalo kelamaan berdiri..
n juga kaki dari betis ke bawah berasa kebas n dingin efek kelamaan berdiri..
juga pandangan mulai gelap tuh kalo kelamaan berdiri..
belom lagi mual-mual..
trus perut membesar dah kayak hamil 3 or 4 bulan..
mpe temen kerja ngirain gw hamil.. begh..

ternyata eh ternyata, asam lambung, bo..
tapi boss gw sempet ngomel..
katanya tu gejala asam lambung bisa ke penyakit jantung loh nantinya..
really???

ngopi ngopi setengah seru

udah tiap hari ngelewatin jalanan ini karena emang arah ke tempat kerja...
ada 1 cafe yang bikin penasaran...
karena gw suka minum kopi walau gak terlalu ngerti jenis2 kopi baik mentah ataupun matengnya.. paling standar black coffee atau capucino aja ngertinya.. :P

nah, udah cukup penasaran pengen nyobain ngopi sambil ngerokok di tempat 1 ini..
secara cuma beberapa langkah dari tempat kerja..

akhirnya tadi sore kesampean juga tuh...
pengen break tapi sambil kerja juga via notebook..
so, bawa beberapa kertas yg data nya mesti di input n notebook, jalanlah gw ke seberang..

begitu masuk, gw binun..
dari pintu, gak jauh ada etalase kaca berisi cupcakes gitu..
tapi sejauh mata memandang, gak ada jalan ke arah tempat duduk...
malah yg keliatan tembok, pintu yg kayaknya untuk karyawan n tangga...
so, w pilih naik tangga...
n ternyata bener c..
pas liat, tempatnya cukup cozy..
interiornya serba kayu gitu..
tapiiii, sepiiiiiiiiii.....
i'm the only customer...
wew...
mpe grogi... hehe...

nanya bisa ngerokok kan, mbak?
katanya bisa..
y udah langsung minta menu..
*kok gak langsung kasih buku menu c, mbak?*
akhirnya gw pilih aja ice caramel machiato n cupcake tiramisu..
sambil nunggu pesenan, langsung setting notebook n kertas2 yg gw bawa, langsung kerja deh...
begitu pesenan dateng...
kok gitu y tampilannya???
emang ice caramel machiato gak pake whipped cream y? ato qta mesti request tambahan whipped cream nya y?
gak ngeerti juga c..
y sudahlah langsung gw minum aja... not bad...
n cupcake nya... juga lumayan...
ada wifinya... bisa kirim laporan kerjaan ke boss... aseek...

so, not bad for 1 hour work plus coffee break yah...
n it cost 51ribu rupiah (tax include)

boleh lah next time dicoba lagi kopi yg lain n minta pake whipped cream ah..
hehe..

oia nama cafe nya Coffee Institute di Jl. Gunawarman Kebayoran Baru..
have u tried??

digging myself

i found a page on Facebook today, it's VictimToSurvivor...
it's about victim of Domestic Violence (KDRT)..
so it make me think about my ex..
i was think which stage of abusive he was..
n he almost few in all stages..
makes me think, wow, is he a real abuser?? or it's just becoz of his past making him so emotional n become abusive??
well, pity him anyway...

then i also realized, my ex hubby was also a soft abusive..
i mean he was never hit me or anything..
but he was abusive from his words..

so, with these experiences plus few harrasments, it makes me traumatic actually..
i never really feel comfort of going anywhere alone, day or nite..
i always suspicious when looking to strangers i met in the street or bus...
i always have this bad thinking scared that he will do harm to me, to every strangers men i met ooutside..
n sometimes i feel tired of feeling like that the whole time..
but i get traumatic, coz there was few times when i was feeling okay walking alone, suddenly there was a stranger harrass me.. damn!!!

n now, i really don't know how to make my feeling change if i walk alone..
like today when i went to the doctor..
i feel bad when walking n see my body..
even i'm fully clothes, there is a fear i might meet a bad guy who will try to harrass me..
i hate looking at my body n i hate i cannot cover my body so strangers won't see it..
i know i was wearing a shirt, still i was paranoid...

i dunno..
do i need a psychiatrist??

Death, come take me to freed me from this world

at least i have known love...
at least all people i care n love already have their own good life without me, including my sons..
also i won't be a trouble or problem anymore to my mom..

i already asked her, what if i die before u die, is it okay? n she only laugh n asked why did i ask...
i said, nothing, its just if i die first, it will be a relieved for u not to worry about me anymore, so u can have ur peace life with what u're living right now n family in Java later on when u're old...

woman n man that i hate

u know what???
that's why sometimes its the reason why its sucks being a woman..
coz some cases are women being raped, women being hurt physhically by men..

well, yeah, u may say i'm a weak woman, since i cannot do karate or taekwondo or judo or kickboxing or any other stuffs like that to prevent myself from being harmed..

all i can is dreaming, imaginating... that i am not so feminine in my look or my body n face, so it won't attract bad guys...
or like i was in junior high, i was hoping to be a boy who have a chest not breast, so guys won't even look at it eventhough i'm fully dressed....

but when i work, my boss or management wants me to look like a woman, dress n even make up...
maybe that's why, i don't really like or know about make up...
yeah, u will feel pretty, and what???
still many bad guys will use the chance when look at woman...

so, why should i appear or dress or even makeup as a woman if it only will invite bad guys to do bad things to me?????
how can i be save going anywhere if i feel uncomfort, if i feel unsafe???

no no, it will be better if i can have a power to disappear or be invincible n walk freely...
yeah, but it's impossible, so i still will be a chicken when i go anywhere alone..
n 1 point for sure, i cannot always find someone or depend on someone to accompany me everywhere like when i was a kid... right???

still about my fucking neighbourhood

damn, i'm trying to be good of being alone...
but i ever heard nobody can live alone.. no matter what, a person will need others to live..
yeah i think its true actually..
for example, when u go to the market, u will need somebody who sell thethings u're gong to buy, right??

what? maybe i'm crazy..
maybe i have problems in my personality, or traumatic so deep n bad, which making the emotional me growing ups now??
or did i live in the wrong country which made me got harrasment few times??
or maybe i should live in the mountains with animals, so i just have to worry that i will be attacked by animals n bad weather?? not by some strangers that is human being..

so now, who could help me being so fucking brave to walk in day or nite anywhere alone without being fear of men will do harm to me????
do u my neighbourhood will do??????
damn u....
i guess if u knew,my neighbourhood, u just feel sorry or maybe with ur wild thoughts u'll do the same as the asshole out there...
what? i should bring a gun or samurai or pepperspray everywhere i go??
or should i hire a woman bodyguard??
what? if u knew i have a girlfriend, u would bother my life n kick me from this area, right????

is it wrong to have someone drop me off home??

i hate my neighboorhood...

i hate it since all unusual things are taboo things...

what??? are u guys gonna drop me n pick me up to my office every day n niteee???
i don't give a damn with u guys eventhough i smell weeds or seeing u makeouts or hugging ur girl or smell alcohol when i walked...
so why u have to bother my personal life if someone good enough to make sure i got home safely n be someone to talk to for me, eventhough it's in the middle of the nite???? coz it was that time that i came home from work, jerk...
n i'm not a whore...

what??? is it my faults if my real friends are boys or men???
n they visit me in the nite since we all working in daytime????

or should i be a cave woman to spend all my life at home alone???
damn u, so religious men to be to mess with my fucking life...

u know what??? u guys didn't feel the paranoid i'm going through when i walked or go alone...
yeah, i'm usually go anywhere alone..
but since i was in juniorhighschool untill now, there were few times i got harrasment in the street n nobody helps..
n reading or knowing from news about raping in public facility or streets or even bus, how can't i be more paranoid to go anywhere alone?
even i can be paranoid in my own home if suddenly there is a nut guy break in n do crime to me in my home???
oh noo... hell no, u can just think that i'm a negative girl coz i come home midnite with a guy in motorcycle...
fuck off...

me in 2012....

half a year already pasts in 2012..
and i haven't told much stories here..


so, let's have some stories..
in the end, i got broke up with my boyfriend..
first i dumped him coz he's having an affair and i realized i didn't wanna be in a triangle relationship..
secondly, still with the same person, we broke up coz i was a workaholic to avoided him coz after we got together again, i felt traumatic that he would do the same as before..
and also i felt being possessed by him n i just realized and became a rebellion..
so, finally i dumped him again..


maybe u all would think that i'm cruel, but u don't know how our relationship was..


anyway, after that 2 breakups, i realized there are some good in it..
since i sell the motorcycle we had, so with the money n my stupid reckless guts, i went out of town.. actually i end up went to my first son's place..
thank God, i could finally meet him after these few years..
he's a big boy now, 8 years old already...
and we went to a place so up high.. a village with beautiful views of river down..


and after i back to Jakarta, i tried to heal myself and looking for a new jobs..
coz when first breakup, i leave my job to show him that if i loose him, i'll lose everything include job n the motor..


so, not so long time, i got a new job.. as a personal assistant to the owner of a restaurant..
easy come, easy go?? hope not.. :)


after a month worked in new place, i get reunited with him.. he's begging me to be with me again, to fix everything we had..
i agreed n we live together again..
but then maybe i was okay of being lonely n get move on, so i begin to feel traumatic living with him again..
especially when he did the old habit..
so, i started to enjoy myself in the restaurant the whole day, came home late night n made him complains all the time..
untill 1 nite he called n asked me what time i'll be home, i said that i was still busy.. (it was 11:30 in the nite)
so, he said, we better breakups coz u love ur job more than u love me and he hung up the phone..
well, i think, okay as u wish, and i get back to work but he kept calling n texted me that nite.. so that was why we brokeup again for the second time...


like a crazy one, i didn't go home untill 4 nights just to avoid having fight with him after that call..
i just text him, okay i agree we broke up..


then he left the home and i was home alone again..
yeah, i felt relieved that i broke up with him, so i can be free..
thank God n my mom, now i have this new notebook from my own salary n lil help from my mom..


i'm trying to enjoy my life again..
but now i can't stop my workaholic..
besides, i have mountains of things to do awaits me everyday..
also, a reason i bought a notebook, so i can work some of things anywhere, even at home.. :)


but this evening, i got depressed realized how lonely i am...
i ususally live alone, till i rarely speaking or seeing anyone, just in my messy room with my radio, dvd, tv, books, cellphones, foods, cigarettes, coffee n now, notebook...
i love being alone n free to do anything...
but some part of me also need someone to feel comfort n cuddling with...

four

wow..
it's almost four years yah since my first posting here..
or since i created this blog..


and since that, i guess there are lots of time that my blog's seems idle, coz it's like i'm disappear n did not make any post at all..
i mean, me myself prefer to read an updated blog.. :)


well, so much things had happened in four years..
oh yeah, much much things that many people said, things will makes us grown ups..
(wrong language? :P)

my emotion August 2012

i guess my life is empty..
but when i was in a relationship, its always ruined..
maybe i don't deserve one..
i'm kind a woman whose not suit for a relationship afterall..
but to be alone, even i feel free to do anything or go anywhere, i feel empty without someone i can cuddle to or have the shoulder to cry to..
i have my mom, but she's not living with me..
besides i don't used to cuddle with my mom also....

but i'm too tired of starting a new relationship...
to be open to new people...
n waiting whether she or he can accept me as an in between person or not..
whether she or he can accept all my negatives sides an attitudes...
whether i can accept all about her or him in good n bad..

i know, nobody's perfect..

but i learned something from my previous relationship, that i don't like being forced to be a perfect woman.. to be living with rules..
to follow my mate's wants..

i'm dreaming of relationship that i can feel comfort n be who i really am..
without any worries the whole day of whether my words were wrong, my movements were wrong, my dress were wrong becoz she or he doesn't like it...

i'm tired to have a hard life.. i wanna get rest...
what?? i should die to take a rest from this life i'm living in..?????

i shouldn't talk about death...
it's a pity of me... to beng depressed in front of the whole world..
but, hey, where else i can speak up???
if i speak to myself about my depression like i always do,
sometimes i'm afraid i could kill my self...
but sometimes, i don't like to talk about it to people coz some of them judge me or angry to me with what i'm thinking...

goshhhhh...
how am i suppose to live..???