is it wrong to have someone drop me off home??

i hate my neighboorhood...

i hate it since all unusual things are taboo things...

what??? are u guys gonna drop me n pick me up to my office every day n niteee???
i don't give a damn with u guys eventhough i smell weeds or seeing u makeouts or hugging ur girl or smell alcohol when i walked...
so why u have to bother my personal life if someone good enough to make sure i got home safely n be someone to talk to for me, eventhough it's in the middle of the nite???? coz it was that time that i came home from work, jerk...
n i'm not a whore...

what??? is it my faults if my real friends are boys or men???
n they visit me in the nite since we all working in daytime????

or should i be a cave woman to spend all my life at home alone???
damn u, so religious men to be to mess with my fucking life...

u know what??? u guys didn't feel the paranoid i'm going through when i walked or go alone...
yeah, i'm usually go anywhere alone..
but since i was in juniorhighschool untill now, there were few times i got harrasment in the street n nobody helps..
n reading or knowing from news about raping in public facility or streets or even bus, how can't i be more paranoid to go anywhere alone?
even i can be paranoid in my own home if suddenly there is a nut guy break in n do crime to me in my home???
oh noo... hell no, u can just think that i'm a negative girl coz i come home midnite with a guy in motorcycle...
fuck off...

me in 2012....

half a year already pasts in 2012..
and i haven't told much stories here..


so, let's have some stories..
in the end, i got broke up with my boyfriend..
first i dumped him coz he's having an affair and i realized i didn't wanna be in a triangle relationship..
secondly, still with the same person, we broke up coz i was a workaholic to avoided him coz after we got together again, i felt traumatic that he would do the same as before..
and also i felt being possessed by him n i just realized and became a rebellion..
so, finally i dumped him again..


maybe u all would think that i'm cruel, but u don't know how our relationship was..


anyway, after that 2 breakups, i realized there are some good in it..
since i sell the motorcycle we had, so with the money n my stupid reckless guts, i went out of town.. actually i end up went to my first son's place..
thank God, i could finally meet him after these few years..
he's a big boy now, 8 years old already...
and we went to a place so up high.. a village with beautiful views of river down..


and after i back to Jakarta, i tried to heal myself and looking for a new jobs..
coz when first breakup, i leave my job to show him that if i loose him, i'll lose everything include job n the motor..


so, not so long time, i got a new job.. as a personal assistant to the owner of a restaurant..
easy come, easy go?? hope not.. :)


after a month worked in new place, i get reunited with him.. he's begging me to be with me again, to fix everything we had..
i agreed n we live together again..
but then maybe i was okay of being lonely n get move on, so i begin to feel traumatic living with him again..
especially when he did the old habit..
so, i started to enjoy myself in the restaurant the whole day, came home late night n made him complains all the time..
untill 1 nite he called n asked me what time i'll be home, i said that i was still busy.. (it was 11:30 in the nite)
so, he said, we better breakups coz u love ur job more than u love me and he hung up the phone..
well, i think, okay as u wish, and i get back to work but he kept calling n texted me that nite.. so that was why we brokeup again for the second time...


like a crazy one, i didn't go home untill 4 nights just to avoid having fight with him after that call..
i just text him, okay i agree we broke up..


then he left the home and i was home alone again..
yeah, i felt relieved that i broke up with him, so i can be free..
thank God n my mom, now i have this new notebook from my own salary n lil help from my mom..


i'm trying to enjoy my life again..
but now i can't stop my workaholic..
besides, i have mountains of things to do awaits me everyday..
also, a reason i bought a notebook, so i can work some of things anywhere, even at home.. :)


but this evening, i got depressed realized how lonely i am...
i ususally live alone, till i rarely speaking or seeing anyone, just in my messy room with my radio, dvd, tv, books, cellphones, foods, cigarettes, coffee n now, notebook...
i love being alone n free to do anything...
but some part of me also need someone to feel comfort n cuddling with...

four

wow..
it's almost four years yah since my first posting here..
or since i created this blog..


and since that, i guess there are lots of time that my blog's seems idle, coz it's like i'm disappear n did not make any post at all..
i mean, me myself prefer to read an updated blog.. :)


well, so much things had happened in four years..
oh yeah, much much things that many people said, things will makes us grown ups..
(wrong language? :P)

my emotion August 2012

i guess my life is empty..
but when i was in a relationship, its always ruined..
maybe i don't deserve one..
i'm kind a woman whose not suit for a relationship afterall..
but to be alone, even i feel free to do anything or go anywhere, i feel empty without someone i can cuddle to or have the shoulder to cry to..
i have my mom, but she's not living with me..
besides i don't used to cuddle with my mom also....

but i'm too tired of starting a new relationship...
to be open to new people...
n waiting whether she or he can accept me as an in between person or not..
whether she or he can accept all my negatives sides an attitudes...
whether i can accept all about her or him in good n bad..

i know, nobody's perfect..

but i learned something from my previous relationship, that i don't like being forced to be a perfect woman.. to be living with rules..
to follow my mate's wants..

i'm dreaming of relationship that i can feel comfort n be who i really am..
without any worries the whole day of whether my words were wrong, my movements were wrong, my dress were wrong becoz she or he doesn't like it...

i'm tired to have a hard life.. i wanna get rest...
what?? i should die to take a rest from this life i'm living in..?????

i shouldn't talk about death...
it's a pity of me... to beng depressed in front of the whole world..
but, hey, where else i can speak up???
if i speak to myself about my depression like i always do,
sometimes i'm afraid i could kill my self...
but sometimes, i don't like to talk about it to people coz some of them judge me or angry to me with what i'm thinking...

goshhhhh...
how am i suppose to live..???

earning in 2012

setelah nganggur dari akhir Oktober 2011, finally gw dapat kerja lagi...

di pertengahan Januari kemarin, gw di telpon kalo gw diterima di salah satu Club/Bar di Jakarta Selatan...
hari Selasa sore gw di telponnya..
dibilang kalau gw diterima n kalau mau, gw bisa mulai kerja keesokan harinya...
di hari Rabu nya, gw datang jam 6 sore..
interview ma Kepala Kasir nya n gw mau untuk mulai kerja malam itu juga...
jadi deh gw kerja...

thx God akhirnya gw dapat kerja di awal 2012...
semoga lancar n gw bisa betah n gak ada masalah yg bisa buat gw keluar...
amiiinnn...
:)