my emotion August 2012

i guess my life is empty..
but when i was in a relationship, its always ruined..
maybe i don't deserve one..
i'm kind a woman whose not suit for a relationship afterall..
but to be alone, even i feel free to do anything or go anywhere, i feel empty without someone i can cuddle to or have the shoulder to cry to..
i have my mom, but she's not living with me..
besides i don't used to cuddle with my mom also....

but i'm too tired of starting a new relationship...
to be open to new people...
n waiting whether she or he can accept me as an in between person or not..
whether she or he can accept all my negatives sides an attitudes...
whether i can accept all about her or him in good n bad..

i know, nobody's perfect..

but i learned something from my previous relationship, that i don't like being forced to be a perfect woman.. to be living with rules..
to follow my mate's wants..

i'm dreaming of relationship that i can feel comfort n be who i really am..
without any worries the whole day of whether my words were wrong, my movements were wrong, my dress were wrong becoz she or he doesn't like it...

i'm tired to have a hard life.. i wanna get rest...
what?? i should die to take a rest from this life i'm living in..?????

i shouldn't talk about death...
it's a pity of me... to beng depressed in front of the whole world..
but, hey, where else i can speak up???
if i speak to myself about my depression like i always do,
sometimes i'm afraid i could kill my self...
but sometimes, i don't like to talk about it to people coz some of them judge me or angry to me with what i'm thinking...

goshhhhh...
how am i suppose to live..???